Why you shouldn’t hurry love: the joy of slow sex

What do you touch more often, your husband or your smartphone? It’s good to be more tactile in the bedroom.

Viktor Solomin | Stocksy United

“Fifteen years of marriage and good sex? That package really does exist, but until recently, I was sure that monogamy equalled monotony,” laughs Margaret, a 38-year-old doctor.

But one day, she explained, something changed.

“It started badly. I had a bad day at work. I was distraught and very tired. And as I sat at the kitchen table, Peter returned from work and suddenly embraced me. I felt this intense emotion, a wave of tenderness, like a tsunami of love. I know, it sounds pathetic, but that moment resonated with me strongly. I just wanted to stay like this forever, in his arms. It was like a movie. I would have even stayed weepy if only he would have continued to embrace and cuddle me.”

This is how Margaret discovered slow sex, she just didn’t know it yet. “For me, it was this moment of a profound presence of what I call US. My husband and I. Us. Here and now. It was convenient that our son was out because we could savor that moment, and let it linger longer,” says Margaret. “We just enjoyed ourselves. As an anesthesiologist, I put people to sleep. I compare this moment to that. For those few minutes, I was completely off, no worries, no problems, no telephones, or grocery lists,”

You can get lots of things fast these days: food, movies on demand, even a massage as you’re rushing to the gate at the airport. The same can be said about sex, of course. But instead of galloping towards an orgasm, why not try to set off on a slow journey through the world of the senses?

Love, which we promise each other, rises above all the emotions, feelings or state of mind,” says Pope Francis. There is no more complete physical expression of marital devotion than unhurried love, filled with gratitude, mindfulness, and adoration for each body part.

When you slowly climb to the top of the mountain you might suddenly discover that the views and experiences along the way are worth more than just the pleasure of placing the flag at the peak. Slow sex is not so much slow in rhythm and act, as it is being conscious and attentive.

And when you are careful and deliberate, you can uncover sexy new body parts that you had no idea existed. You find out that he likes to be touched under the knee or in the crook of the elbow. Or that if he caresses you below the knee, you crumble into bits and pieces of happiness.

Just like a slowly savored meal, slow sex makes us sensitive to tastes, smells, and colors. It is a feast for the senses. But such celebration needs to be learned. We live fast, and we love impatiently, selfishly; we are task-oriented, with orgasm as a goal, which is why it is better to plan and schedule slow sex. It’s hard to give into its pleasures when you have just 15 minutes after you put the kids to sleep because you still have lingering emails to deal with. Maybe Saturday night? Instead of going out to a party, stay home and send the kids for a sleepover at the grandparents’.

First in the dark, then eye to eye

This doesn’t mean an entire night of sexual boredom, pretending to be in some infinite cosmic bliss. Instead of playing the role of sophisticated hipster, you could simply start to cuddle, without the pressure that this is a straight path to immediate departure. You don’t. You don’t have to do anything. Think about it as a sensual feast—there’s an appetizer, first course, second course, desert, second desert, and then, you decide what will be the icing on the cake.

Slow sex does not mean sexual gymnastics, but simple pleasures. Because simple things sometimes are difficult for us, I suggest a therapeutic exercise called “swimming in your imagination.” Lay down on your backs next to each other in a relaxed position. Hold your hands together. Close your eyes and let yourself drift away. Imagine yourself swimming in calm crystal water, like a lake, for example. Don’t purposefully imagine anything, just let your mind wander as it wants. Your mind will slow down, and you will be free of internal stress. In this relaxed state, you can start touching each other, first without opening your eyes, then looking at each other.

Caressing the inner part of the forearm and thigh or the area behind your knees with your fingertips is a source of strong sexual energy.

Slow sex does not give ready-made recipes to celebrate your bodies. And that’s good. It’s not a recipe for orgasm, but a show of your emotion, affection, and gratitude. There is no need to study massage techniques to be a good lover. It is important that the movements are natural, soothing, comfortable, but that introduce a state of bliss, relaxation, or dreamlike state. You are so close to each other; you can look at each other tenderly, seductively or just simply focused. You decide what you want in that moment.

The basis of slow sex is touch, which is known as “the first language.” It can express more than a thousand words. It is our love alphabet. Let’s get back to the good and loving touch, to simplicity. We don’t need to go through all the positions of the Kama Sutra to feel good.

You will discover, for example, that caressing the inner part of the forearm and thighs, or the area behind your knees, with your fingertips is a source of strong sexual energy, but that you should perhaps avoid the area under the arms. Tickling is not the most powerful sexual stimuli. Don’t forget the feet. If you know anything about acupressure, you know the bottom of the big toe is associated with the pituitary gland, which regulates the secretion of sex hormones.

Skin & emotions are very close

Sex is the joy of the body, but in the case of slow sex, the body is not enough. Skin and emotions are connected. The mere proximity of the loved one causes dilation of blood vessels. We feel a pleasant warmth. The skin becomes softer, smoother. Sometimes we feel our hair rising but in a very delicious way.

Slow sex is like slow food. It nourishes, strengthens, and creates feelings of satisfaction.

Clinical psychologist Michael Kraus once called the touch “a stockbroker of closeness.” In his research, he presented arguments that touch not only strengthens a relationship but also speaks to its strength. We feel more connected to those who touch us. Physical touch builds mental closeness; it’s very powerful. Tender caresses by a partner reduce pregnancy pain as well as postpartum depression. Romantic touching acts like a protective umbrella in emergencies, it increases the levels of happiness hormones, such as endorphins and oxytocin. It mobilizes and refreshes the senses, slows down the heart rate, lowers levels of cortisol, a stress hormone, and stimulates the functioning of the parasympathetic system, which is responsible for the relaxation of muscles and the entire body. Sensual massage makes the heart and circulatory system work better. What’s more, research shows that the benefits of touch also apply to the person doing the touching.

Slow sex is like slow food. It nourishes, strengthens, and creates feelings of satisfaction. Intimate signals not only trigger carnal desire but also sensual marital intimacy, safety, devotion, and trust. Sexual touching expresses togetherness, caring, and improves our self-image.

Caresses assure the spouses of their mutual importance. Being so close, you can find new, better words to address old or recurring problems. You can finally understand and forgive each other. And all that makes us happy, not only in sex but also in life.

Slower means smarter, more beautifully, lovingly, and patiently. Slow sex is like wine that needs time to let its flavors ferment. Let us find this time for each other, and time will stop.

Zyta Rudzka
Zyta Rudzka
Zyta graduated from the Academy of Catholic Theology with a psychology degree. She was winner of the Gdynia Drama Prize for her drama, “Cold Buffet.” The television version of her play, “The Sugar Bra,” won a gold medal at the prestigious Worldfest Independent Film Festival in Houston. Her works have been translated into German, Russian, English, Croatian, Italian, Czech, French, and Japanese.

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